Pushpa and Sachit

I can broadly divide my journey with Sachit in 3 phases: As a child, as an adolescent and as an adult.
As a child, small activities like buttoning his shirt or tying his shoelaces were difficult for him. We used to manage 1 battle at a time, and I used to devote one week to every new activity that he needed to learn. The battles were won slowly and even though some tasks proved to be difficult, we found out ways of managing them. What really helped me here was talking to other parents and sharing my problems and checking if they had a solution. I learnt so many strategies from other parents that were helpful to me.

I found the adolescent phase a bit tough as children become more outspoken, have peer pressure, are going through hormonal changes and are generally resistant to listening to their parents. I had to find out who Sachit would listen to, and that turned out to be his friends. So, I started befriending them. His friends started liking me and in turn, Sachit started to realize his mom wasn’t so bad, after all! Once we established that trust, things became easier, and we became friends.

The adult phase was not too difficult as the studies part was done. In fact, I feel that apart from studies, all children with ADHD have high intelligence and are ready to take risks, which really helps them as adults. We need to help them identify and pursue their interests. Sachit used to assist in the sound and light arrangements at programs in our local Chinmaya mission and he got hands-on experience in this area and went on to start a business.

Today he is married, and it was an arranged marriage. He was completely open about his issues and fortunately, it clicked. After marriage, he and his wife came together and met Dr Vibha, so that she understood Sachit’s challenges and how to deal with it.
So that way it has been a beautiful journey although there were initial hurdles.

It all started with a group of 5 or 6 parents who used to visit Dr Vibha. We decided to be in touch to share useful strategies. By word of mouth the group grew, and we were soon at 150 members. We maintained a list of ‘needs’ of parents and accordingly found a specialist doctor or counsellor who could come and do a small talk and a Q&A session. We also needed to find space to hold these meetings and would request schools or clubs to help with that. Mind you, this was in the days before WhatsApp, so all communication was done through personal calls and records were maintained manually.

When we formed the group, for the first time I realised there are so many other families with children with ADHD. The ‘Why me?’ attitude that I had initially, went away because of this. Another way this parent community helped was that I was able to influence other parents who thought that punishing or being strict was the way to deal with the child.

In Navi Mumbai, where I live, there were almost no counsellors or therapists who could help children with ADHD. I was already helping Sachit with his studies, so I thought why not include other kids who were struggling with studies. I started taking classes free of cost, for children in Sachit’s age group and focused mainly on preparing them for school exams. I didn’t do any special educator course, just by trial & error, would figure out what works for these children. I would also help the families in applying for school and exam concessions that were available for such kids.

Currently, I run an NGO called Sampoorna Shiksha where we are involved in education for children in rural areas.

Parent involvement is very necessary. Each child is different and only the parent knows the skills, abilities, and challenges of their child. Add to that, there is the maternal instinct, so we are the only ones who understand our kids inside-out. This is not to say that you don’t need therapists etc. Professional help is also required – they give you the necessary guidance and advice but putting it to practice is the role of the parent.

First of all, acceptance is the key. Understand that these children are different and only then you will be able to find ways of supporting them. Secondly, always be there for your child. Give them the assurance that whatever happens, you will always be there for them. At the same time, give them their freedom. We are so used to doing everything for them, that sometimes they feel they aren’t allowed to make individual choices. Fourthly, you need to have patience. Whatever the strategies you are following, don’t give up mid-way because you don’t see results. It takes time for the results to be visible.